Michael Hurely
Have Moicy! 1992

Folks, this is probably the most frightning edition of "Where is Waldo?" that was ever banned from national TV. Micheal Hurley, bless his little heart, who couldn't let this masterpiece go to waste, has used it as an album cover for one of his psychedelic folk tunes.
Oh how fortunate we are!

"Look, lil' Jonny, is Waldo behind that "RIP" juice bottle, strumming with the drunken wolves? Or is he mopping the floor with a magical tune-sea-horse?"
-Good times.






Kevin Rowland
My Beauty, 1999

From the singer who pleaded "Come on Eileen" comes the woefully mistitled My Beauty. The former Dexys Midnight Runners frontman explains his inspiration in the liner notes: "These songs started to penetrate my frightened world. They reawakened something I'd only fleetingly sensed before… it was beauty… my beauty." Uh, Kev, put down your skirt. That ain't pretty.











Wild Colonials
This Can't Be Life, 1996

No hard and fast criteria exist for how to guarantee a truly awful album cover. Except one: Anthropomorphic root vegetables, especially playing the accordion, will win a place on the worst list every time. Bonus points to these indie popsters for, no joke, depicting a parsnip jumping rope on the reverse.




John Bult
Julie's Sixteenth Birthday

Another hard-to-find classic of bad-album aficionados (find it and more worst wonders at Pork Tornado), Julie's Sixteenth Birthday has Netizens buzzing about the uncomfortable relationship it depicts. Just us, or is booze-and-nicotine-addicted, wedding-band-wearing Creepy Mountain Man intent on celebrating Julie's sweet 16 back at his place?

-I don't know Julie, but I'd guess that her 16th birthday included a cheap hotel room, liquor and a morning of regret Courtknee
















Poison
Open Up and Say... Ahh!, 1988

There are two versions of the Open Up and Say... Ahh! cover: the original, shown here, and the more-common edited edition, which blacks out all but the model's feline eyes. Word is this less-than-bashful lass, with her savage hair and face paint, pierced nostril, and perversely pointy tongue, made Reagan-era retailers a bit jittery. Almost 20 years later, we're still appalled.








Def Leppard
On Through the Night, 1990

Because when we think trucking industry, those fine folks who transport goods across this grand nation of highways, we think English heavy metal. Not. OK, the big guitar makes sense for these hard-rocking axe masters, but why the 18-wheeler? And why in outer space? Too many questions.











Eleven
Thunk, 1995

This album was created: a) to teach children about gravity; b) to promote a comedy troupe; c) as the fourth full-length from an acclaimed L.A. hard-rock trio. Trivia: Drummer Jack Irons left Eleven in 1994 to join Pearl Jam. Don't have to be Isaac Newton to know that was the right move.




Kruder and Dorfmeister
G-Stoned, 1995

Austrian masters of the remix ape Simon and Garfunkel's iconic Bookends cover. What, you expected two remixers to think up something original?








Peter Mathers
Sundance: A Rhumba Flamenco Fantasy, 2000

Classical guitarist Peter Mathers turns his talents to two genres of Latin music that epitomize soulful passion. And for the album cover, he wears a dorky hat and strikes a pose devoid of any emotion. Grab a cerveza, amigo, and loosen up!













Ultimate Spinach
The Box, 2001

Poor cousins to psychedelic '60s stars like Jefferson Airplane and the Doors, Ultimate Spinach was a Boston band that had faded into the ether until this 2001 box set appeared like a bad flashback. Obviously, that carnivorous shark would prefer to be eating a hippie musician.






Aphex Twin
Windowlicker, 1999

Though technically not an album cover, the package of Aphex Twin's single "Windowlicker" did, however, leave a big impression. Not a good impression, but a big impression nonetheless. How odd that Richard D. James coyly records his cutting-edge techno under a pseudonym, but willingly reveals his face, in this case grafted atop a buxom lass.










Jonah Jones
I Dig Chicks!, 1958

By using a backhoe to lift a bunch of shapely gals, the trumpet virtuoso is literally digging chicks. But between friends, the aggressive use of construction equipment (to say nothing of the photo's flamboyant campiness) makes us question the title’s veracity.










Ferrante and Teicher
Killing Me Softly, 1973

"I love this album," a friend says of her thrift-store treasure, "but the cover creeps me out." And why would Ferrante and Teicher, an easy-listening piano duo that peaked during the lounge era, bedeck this album with a tearful girl and big blue eyes that follow you around the room, instead of their own photo? Ahhh, you've never seen Ferrante and Teicher.











The Jimmy Castor Bunch
The Everything Man, 1995

Minutes later, Wilma Flintstone called the cops to break up the party. Just as Fred murmured, "Mmm, mmm, baby got back."










Kiss
Crazy Nights, 1990

Marking the exact moment when millions of Kiss fans screamed in unison, "Put your makeup back on!"




random note: *giggle* they all look like a collection of Xena the Princess Warrior posters, each in a different state of feminism.





Nellie McKay
Get Away from Me, 2004

Talk about mixed messages. On the one hand, the title of this nouveau cabaret singer's album implores us to skedaddle. One the other, she's hooting and hollerin' like a moron begging for attention. In fact, this cover is so disturbing that distributors slapped it with a Parental Advisory label ... for lameness.









Limp Bizkit
Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water, 2000


The title is actually made of two rather nasty euphamisms for cetain parts of the anatomy. But apparently, they needed a cover to represent the title? I don't know whether the sickly aliens or the dozens of hot dogs gross me out more.










Crosby, Stills and Nash
Live it Up, 1990


Continuing with the hot dog theme, Crosby, Stills and Nash "Live it Up"....with a wienie roast on the moon? After years of cocaine abuse, apparently the boys need to go this far to have a good time while sober.




Sunshine Bus
Voyage into Magic Feeling Sense,


I imagine little Joanie received quite a bit of money for creating this very special cover for her daddy's band's album. Either that or this is the result of the bass player's most recent acid trip.




Waylon Jennings
Ladies Love Outlaws

And Waylon loves little girls! Somebody call SVU!













Kate Bush
Mini LP, 1983

I'm not sure the look Kate was going for here, but whatever it was, it didn't work.









The Frivolous Five
Sour Cream & Other Delights

Another terrible homage to Herb Alpert's Whip Cream and Other Delights. Just one look at this makes me want to swear off tacos, baked potatoes, and anything else that requires sour cream.












Geraldine and Ricky
Trees Talk Too!

The freaky mannequin and lady in white welcome you to Fantasy Island!

















Si Zentner and His Orchestra
The Swingin' Eye

The Swingin' Eye is watching you! And it has legs to chase you down! Head for the hills! Save yourselves!!
















The Cranberries
Bury the Hatchet, 1999

I told you...the Swinging Eye is out to get you! Run now!!

When the hipper-than-thou music geeks at the e-zine Pitchfork assembled a list of terrible album covers, this pretentious Cranberries number led the pack. Artist Storm Thorgerson, famous for his Pink Floyd designs, depicts a naked man (which earned the album an "explicit cover" designation) in the desert beneath a giant floating eyeball. As Pitchfork summarizes: "inane." At least the artwork succeeds in conveying that Dolores O'Riordan and Co. are taking themselves way too seriously.









Tripping Daisy
I am an elastic firecracker, 1995

Perhaps the only thing more perplexing than the music on this album was the cover. Proof positive that red liquid latex should be handled carefully. (marsupialmayhem)








Le Père Gédéon
On s'déBlance, 1959

I have no information on this album at all...but the cover is priceless.
(Apparently this guy was a writer/humorist from Quebec)












Fireballet
Two, Too...., 1976

This 1976 release from the progressive rock band Fireballet marked a departure from their rock routes and an exploration into something a bit more, shall we say, fruitier?











Marty Gold
Hi Fi Fo Fum

"What's that little woman? You want me to EAT you? Well...if you insist!"











Badfinger
Ass

Must....worship....Carrot....God!




***someone has clearly missed the sexual nature of this cover. "badfinger" carrot. "ass" donkey.
I rest my case.


Eight Balls
A Musical Essay of Dixieland Jazz with the Eight Balls

Proof that a lot of Shriner's, a big novelty 8 ball, and Dixieland music on the trumpet can raise the dead!














Dave Starr
The Nearer the Bone, The Sweeter the Meat

Dave Starr wins the prize for "album title most likely to be followed by the phrase 'that's what she said.' "















The Electric Amish
A Hard Day's Work

Extra points for using a donkey AND an oxymoron on the cover...take that Badfinger!











Phish
Billy Breathes

And Billy uses nose-hair clippers, too!









REO Speedwagon
You can Tune a Piano, but you can't Tuna FIsh

You know I have always wanted to see that play on words in visual form. Thanks REO Speedwagon! You've made my dreams come true!!








Queen
The Miracle

You'd think with the brainpower of four they would have decided against this cover.









Nelson
Because They Can

Only slighty better looking than the actual Nelson twins.









Van Halen
Balance

Odd siamese twins in an apocalyptic wasteland sure says "Rock and Roll" fellas.





Swamp Dogg
Rat On!

Before Snoop Dogg, there was Swamp Dogg....on a giant rat. See Swamp Dogg's other contribution here.

Also see:

Extra Cheese

Fashion Victims

Naughty and Bawdy

Religious Sinners

That's Disgusting!