When a spiritual musician crosses the fine line between earnest and cloying, the results can be far from heavenly. Join the cool kids in the back pew and snicker at these hellish examples.

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Jerry Irby
Hot Line To Heaven


"Hi, God? Jerry here. Listen, I appreciate all you've done for me, really - but the guys are giving me a helluva time about this pink phone... No, I'm not being ungrateful, for God's sake. It's just I figured the accomodations here would be, you know, a little more in line with "paradise" and "eternal bliss" and all the other stuff you promise in the brochure--- What? you're out of phones??? Damn. OK, then can you at least help me with this suit?? I was expecting actual wings - not lapels the size of wings. Plus it blinds half the angels, for chrissake; and the polyester makes it hotter than Hell...".

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Tammy Faye Bakker
Run Toward The Roar


One quick bite Simba, that's all it would take...






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Jay Snell
Sex And The Female


Yeah, this guy's obviously an expert. Sick sermon preached live under a tent. Flat out vicious and nasty anti-everything paranoid rant. I don't picture much of smile as he talks, which actually is kind of fortunate, since the smarminess creeps the hell out of me. Totally deranged!





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The Ambassadors
With God's Love

Here's one that's a mindboggling gestalt montage of utter hideousness. Where to begin? The hazy gray-on-gray-on-gray polaroid photography? The "Oh-my-God-cover-my-eyes!" fashion? Or the hair - mounds and mounds of nightmare-inducing hair?

Or maybe it's just these guys put on their Sunday best, such as it was - pearly white pants and all - to sit on some dirty rocks around a pond.

Yeah, maybe God could show us all a little love and blind us 'til this image leaves our minds forever.

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The Beatles
Yesterday And Today






Originally released as the Yesterday cover in 1966 but later reclaimed by the record company after raising much controversy; perhaps regarding the Beatles’ poor life style choices. Oh, but we still love you guys! The rock star lifestyle comes with the job, right? You know what the say… babies, meat and Rock’n’Roll.














Country Church
Country Church

Vocal talent by God. Album cover by Sears Portrait Studio. (Expert crate-digging by the worst-album experts at Pork Tornado.)













DC Talk
Nu Thang, 1991

Hip-hop captures the struggles, aspirations, and musical heritage of America's meanest streets. DC Talk, on the other hand, captures the struggles, aspirations, and musical heritage of America's suburban megachurch parking lots. The rap trio brings Christian flava to the genre with heartfelt ditties about abstinence, tithing, and why good kids wear socks with shorts.


The Ministers Quartet
Let Me Touch Him

For the record, it was Fred, far right, who wanted to touch Randy, second from left. (A good touch goes out to Pork Tornado, who discovered this gem.)

Eww, L. Ron Hubbard wants to touch Drew Carey?











Lordi
Devil Is a Loser, 2004

According to recent news reports, residents of Finland are furious that their 2006 representative at the prestigious Eurovision song contest is Lordi, who according to The New York Times, "have eight-foot retractable latex Satan wings, sing hits like 'Chainsaw Buffet' and blow up slabs of smoking meat on stage." One look at the band's 2004 album and our prayers go out to all of Scandinavia.
Lordi in fact went onto win Eurovision that year, and... well, that says it all, really!



A.A. Allen
God is a Killer!!

But he's not dead!










God Isn't Dead

But he is a Killer!

Mike Crain God's Power Why aren't there more karate chopping priests? "I kick ass for the Lord!"

The McKeithers

This family quartet reaches new heights in spiritual music and hairdos. Mom's look is so distracting you almost miss Rapunzel and the Howdy Doody boys next to her.













The Louvin Brothers
Satan is Real

According to the liner notes, this Gospel/Country duo conceived and built the album concept themselves. What?! The horribly cheesy and fake looking Satan was built from scratch? Lies!













Mike Adkins
Thank you for the Dove

And thank you for the cheesy cover, Mike.












Little David and Family
I Feel Like Traveling On....

This gospel singing family is headed by "Little David," the father, who survived a snake bite, car crash and water skiing accident through the power of prayer and the first aid kit stored in his wife's beehive.









Black Sabbath
Born Again

This one you'll definitely want to bottle feed.











Crying Demons

Despite the crazy-eyed fellow on the front, this album claims to feature the recordings of demons speaking through the people they possess.










Butch Yelton and Upbound
Swing that Gospel Axe

Cheesy looking gospel bands of the seventies mean business! Butch Yelton has upgraded from his Gospel Hand Saw to a full sized Axe.










Carl Preacher
Just Jesus and Me

Actually Carl, I believe your 'fro counts as a whole other entity in this case.











Ozzy Osbourne
Speak of the Devil

Before I saw this cover, I'd actual forgotten that Ozzy wasn't always a pants-wettin' old codger.

The Braillettes Our Hearts Keep Singing, 1968 I once was blind...I still can't see. The group consisted of three women (Maggie Liebnitz, Jackie Overalls, and Kay Smith), two of whom (Jackie and Kay) were blind.

Holy Right (A Christian Poison?)