CHA CHA CHA?


















This is Kenny Loggins and the mystical orb. Say hello orb. Man, Kenny Loggins is now "orbalicious" in my book!
Dude, i dont really listen to clarinet music, but something tells me that this guy would rock out. Definately extra cheesy.









David Hasselhoff
Night Rocker, 1985

As a culture overly fond of ham, Germany provided a willing audience for David Hasselhoff's 1980s musical output. Historians are still debating whether the destruction of the Berlin Wall a few years later was sparked by East Germans struggling to escape from boom-boxes blasting the Hoff.

Good lord look at the hoff looking like gary glitter








David Lanz
East of the Moon, 2000

Grammy-winning English composer-pianist David Lanz (we'd never heard of him, either) aims to attract Gen Y to his special New Age-jazz blend with his impression of Napoleon Dynamite at hand-dance club. Is that a bird in flight? Perhaps a dove to symbolize peace? Or is Lanz conducting an invisible orchestra? As Napoleon would say, "Idiot!"





The John Tesh Project
Discovery, 1996

From the John Tesh Project — basically, a former Entertainment Tonight host and his battery-operated Casio keyboard — comes a trippy musical tale of maritime transportation gone awry. See, dude, there was this lighthouse, and then these huge ships were, like, floating in the sky...




Orleans
Waking and Dreaming, 1976

A band of modest renown from upstate New York (don't ask about the name Orleans), these '70s soft-rockers made headlines in 2004 when President Bush incorporated their biggest hit, "Still the One," into his reelection rallies without permission. What better choice for a social conservative who would amend the Constitution to ban same-sex marriage than a song promoted by five naked guys embracing? Rather than pay for fair use, Bush's camp stopped playing the tune.







Magnum
On a Storyteller's Night, 1985

Apologies to all 35-year-old D&D addicts, while we snicker at this best-of-breed salute to medieval-metal inanity. Truly, an oil-painted portal into another world, one where pretentious English rockers captivate middle-age adolescents en route to a Renaissance faire. Fare thee well!






Bernard Hebb and Finn Svit
Guitar Impressions: Music for Two Guitars, 1994

With their fan base waning, Eddie and Alex Van Halen kick it down a notch and ease into their golden years.









Mick Ronson
Play Don't Worry, 1975

No one doubts dearly departed Mick Ronson's enthusiasm and talent for the guitar. But his cross-my-heart, blue-and-black spandex top, paired with what can only be described as a striped arm warmer, forces us to reevaluate his sartorial sanity.






Joe Diffie
Life's So Funny, 1995

For our mid-'90s time capsule, class, we need an object that conveys Southern America's fixation on mullets, moustaches, and gee-tars. Extra points if you can scavange up something that includes a black leather vest and projects a dash of good-ol'-boy humor.





Daryl Stuermer
Steppin' Out, 1990

The jacket says Michael Jackson 1984, but the face says Heath Ledger 2031.









The Brothers Johnson
Look Out for Number 1, 1976

Got it, you guys are really, really, really into the guitar. Really, we got it.












Heino
Seine Großen Erfolge, 2001

Three things you need to know about Germany's Heino: 1) he never removes his shades; 2) he does a killer rendition of "Edelweiss"; 3) he considers Col. Sanders a fashion icon.








Jermaine Jackson
My Name is Jermaine, 1976

..and not "third Jackson from the left behind Michael."






Eddie Murphy
How Could It Be, 1985

The fact that Eddie Murphy's handlers let him release this cheesetastic album is not as puzzling as Eddie's "I'm a serious musician" pose. Especially considering the albums biggest hit "Party All the Time" had no piano to be found.












Millie Jackson
E.S.P. - Extra Sexual Person

Nicely placed crystal ball, Millie. Ms. Jackson strikes again (see "That's Disgusting") with a combination fortune teller / prostitute pose.












Francisco y Fernando
Vamos a la Playa

I tried my darndest to find out when this album was made. I even found translated pages of reviews of their music. Meaning may be lost in translation:

Re: Fernando and Francisco
The fags are an excrement those safe q kill to straws to the day. In addition I am divided the ass in his God face, since mieeeeeerda can make people this? they will be hijosdeputa….







Spinal Tap
Break Like the Wind, 1992

Yes, this is a "mostly fictional" band, and therefore a "mostly fictional" album cover, but we just had to applaud David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls for their effective use of all the best heavy metal cliches. The stormy night sky, fog from nowhere, metallic lettering and vague/tough looks are all in place.









Ken
By Request Only

I don't know who is requesting Ken, but for the love of God, STOP!